wake up call....

hmm..... It is damn hard for me to start this, and it may be the longest post.
Starting this summer I feel displaced. I do not know where I belong; where should I go; where will I end up; what will happen to me???
What am I talking bout? here is why i said all these..... Since I came here, I had to accept the fact that it was only for a period of time, for three years. When I started to get a taste of my new life here, I threw it all away. I blocked the fact that I will have to face the fact that I am going to go back. I did my best in High School; took advantage of all the possibilities; and even got myself into a pretty good college. Also last but not least, I got tight with really awesome people. And imagine this. It is not hard for me to pack and leave. But I also think about the others. How bad I will hurt them? This is breaking me. So yeah, I blocked it so bad......... that I probably live in my own world. Ignored my parent's talk, and everything around me. Ask me now a few questions about my cousins names, and far aunts. You will get a black stare from me. Ask me a really complicated word in Romanian or even a simple saying.. I will look at it like I came from another world.
One thing that pisses me off is that I did my best to get into college, and study here. And now for what? I could had taken my HS Diploma, and didn't give a shit about a Regents Diploma, SAT and college application. After ceremony, come home and pack, and I could had gotten back. Knowing that when i got there to apply to a University, the things that I got here would not matter at all. I could easily pay my contract and my tests and I am there. Easy rite? And I know all about this. But no........ I studied my freaking brains out, I got into a college here, and to quit in the middle of the year or even after a year, it will aggravate me so much; knowing I could had traveled, work or even chill all this time, cuz when i go back, the college experience from here would not matter there.~~ Fuck, fuck and fuck again!
I am still blocking this though now. I go to school, I have fun with my friends and enjoy my time. But when I come home and I lay down in my bed before, I cry myself to fall asleep, asking those questions that I wrote in the beginning. It is so damn hard for me. This stops me from so many things. Ohhh.... I don't even know with what to start. Im cutting down on my spendings, knowing that i have to save, and when i leave I want to spend like over $2000 on shopping-clothing. Also I am saving because I want to see a bit more of US before I leave. I want to go to Las Vegas and Miami- my main ones. Maybe with luck I want to go to Los Angeles, Atlanta, DC ... maybe. .................
I am just writing my feelings down, I am not asking for help or support. It is my damn problem. and I am trying everything. I am still pending for my Student Visa, and that is taking so much time. Probably till December.
0o0hh man and I had, yes I HAD so many dreams. Hmmmm when I think about the dreams i HAD, I slap myself now, so I can wake up.
I AM SO SORRY!

I also see my dad getting prepared more than ever, and my mom too. they bought a piece of land there, and they are thinking about having a house or themselves. My dad is buying a car soon for the whole family. A car that I will be able to drive, my mom and himself. This sucks already, cuz the one I wanted huh, he will not get it. So we ended up in the middle. I guess it's pretty fair. What else.. 0ohh some many things. My mom has canceled her credit cards, because she doesn't wanna pay them before we leave, and she just wants to have no dept, just her own debit card. 0o0hhh
I feel now like I wanna quit college, because at this point it makes no sense for me. Maybe I will end up not going to spring semester, and I know that for sure. After December, after my finals, I am going to work to get money, travel meanwhile and enjoy the last months. Hmm i want so many things... and hahahah [from a book] I am just going to hustle and sell cocaine. Gonna get up to $10 000 a month.,... lmfaoo..
This is so hard. I practically became so cold; a person without a heart.
FuCk My LiFe.
Yoo.. dont get me wrong, I am not complaining either. I freaking love my love no matter what. I never missed anything materially, and i have the best people around me. And I am thankful of that!
Sometimes I just have to accept it. Not everything is going to be how I hoped, and I just have to take it like that.
0ohh by the way, this is an awesome quote. "No matter how many years you thought you knew a person, at the end you actually don't even know him"
This does not go for me cuz I am not fake. I have created a new person here, and those who been with me all this time, knows how I am. [forget the person I was in the past, that has just helped me built who I am TODAY]
That quote goes more for the people, you did not know their past.

This still didn't wake me up. I am still going to live till the last day of my departure [which I hope will never happen], but ALL I am saying, is that I will still be the same. It makes no difference if I tell everyone I am leaving now or then. The only difference is that, now, you will just cry and be miserable. I prefer to cry the last day and have the best time now till then.