A bomb over me

I always saw myself as this radiant, outgoing and energetic person. Never ever in my life I felt depressed (oh well besides some moments that I can’t share here). Now, why I feel like I am falling in a stage of depression. I don’t have that much fun in school as I used to have before. I had energy, I laughed. Now I don’t even keep my smile starting 1st period. Imagine me for the rest of the day? Everybody thinks I am this perfect doll (white- which I hate, never fitted fully). Living in a perfect world, getting good grades, living in the city and blah blah. I have no idea. I even heard they see me as conceded and spoiled as being the only child. I know I am, but I have my limits, I am not the spoiled girl you will see on a reality TV show. I have self esteem and that doesn’t make me bad. Does it? Now I am in such a big mess that I have no idea what to do? I have so many things going through my head that I forgive everything even that I have hws to do. I keep post its posted on my computer so I will remember what I have to do and stuff. I mean since when I am like this? I used to detest depressed people, and now I detest my self as being one. I don’t and I can’t support of being one. I am getting out there. But I am promising myself not to be one. I do everything and hell it does help. I read articles and so many people are depressed. I feel like opening my clinic or helping them I don’t know but something. I can’t stand depressed people. There is so much out there. And I know it. I love it. Count this- you go to school/college and learning process for 13-15 years of your life or even more. It takes 20% of your life. Then you get a career, working 45% of your day, 20% you sleep. Damn what I remains, a small percentage and you waste on being depressed. That’s ridiculous. I always take that percentage and make is useful. Why do you think I am work? So I can make some money? Hmm maybe that too. But the main this was that I was so bored at home when I came from school, that I needed something to do. I work; you meet new people, and become more sociable. Depression comes from your illusion because you don’t take the full pleasure your friends cause it around you, the opportunities the life is giving you. But also it comes from inside you (also how you eat too. Teens which consume large amounts of Fast foods being their 7 days a week meal are more in risk of becoming obese and depressed, and hmm what you think may be the factor of obesity.. Death). We are so full of dreams and illusions that you don’t even know what is out there. I mean, take this as an example. You lay down and think about your future, how you picture it, who you are going to be. Of course you always think about something positive. But the truth is that this is not real. This is just a dream, and illusion you crate. You can’t predict your future and you don’t know how it may twist.
I never discuss this with anybody, and I don’t need a shrink because I am not sick or lonely or depressed person which needs help. Only your best and close friend could understand you. She will always be there for you to talk when you go through hard times.(you know you are the best, sis) And at the end I don’t talk about this with my parents, they never take me serious, and I don’t know. My dad, if something happens to me it is always my fault. Even when I get a cold, he still blames me of getting it, even if accidentally broke my bracelet, he blames me. How am I here culpable? My mom, she may understand me but not seriously. So yeah they are excluded from this.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa look at me?! Why am I writing all this? I sound soooooooooo “depressed” but ……but……… by writing all this it took away and from now one you won’t see this sad person anymore. And if you do, please slap me as hard as you can!
If you are not my close friend and you read this, I hate you more because you read it. And if you are my close friend you understand me and I am glad you read this.
Oh yeah. Hehe my ending should sound that I am happy. Yes I am, so let me make it happy. I missed school today.